Welcome to this Virtual Tour of the ancient and illustrious Hardly Gnome University.
View our hallowed halls and curious quads. Meet some of our most learned Faculty and, if you dare, a few of our more presentable Undergraduates.
But don’t worry, you don’t have to actually ATTEND the University in order to benefit from the numerous courses, degrees and diplomas (not to mention gorgeous AD) which we offer.
You may become a student and, eventually, an esteemed alumnus entirely by Distance Learning, courtesy of that modern marvel the Internet.
Indeed, having met a few of our staff and students on-line, you will certainly wish to keep your acquaintance with them entirely at that remove. [Can we actually say that? Won’t the likes of Dr Bardolino and the scurvy knaves from the Students’ Union object? Ed.]
Enjoy your tour. If you have any unanswered questions when you’ve done, drop us an email.
All genuine enquirers will receive a courteous (if not entirely illuminating) response.
Theo G. Gnome, M.A.
This is the start of your virtual tour of the prestigious Gnome University.
I am Theo G. Gnome, the Master of St Murgatroyd’s College, and I will be your guide.
A warm welcome to you. Come with me.
Come with me into the Great Court of St. Murgatroyd’s, founded for the higher education of gnomes of maturer years, and now offering a range of distance learning courses.
First meet some of the distinguished members of the faculty: Dame Griselda MSc(Dom), my goodself in my Gnome University MA hood, my illustrious father, the Chancellor Dr Hieronymous T. Gnome, Dr Athnasius DD, the Senior Chaplain and Dean of Student Morals (and a curmudgeonly old git).
On the old tour you would have met one of our more presentable undergraduates at this point.
As an act of kindness we will defer this.
Meet one of our distinguished graduates and a Fellow of University Cottage(sic), Wheatley.
He is wearing the robes of a Doctor of Irish Studies.
Inside the Great court, here I am standing by my ivy-clad study window.
Generations of Gnomish students have been tutored in arcane, recondite, mystical, metaphysical and phantasmagorical subjects within these book-lined walls, becoming in their turn erudite and most accomplished Gnomic academicians, and such stuff.
By tradition no-one is permitted to walk on the grass except the Master and specially invited guests.