Gnomes On Dope

Archive for the ‘gnomic wisdom’ Category

I have made my decision
I am building a religion.
It started with a thought
It started with a vision.
It won’t be very sad
It won’t be very funny.
One thing you can be sure.
It’ll generate some money.
It will be built upon fear
The threat of a fire everlasting
Stirred up with greed
And obligatory fasting.

….. deprived of the rights of citizenship

Before there was doctrine, there was Jesus.

Before there was business, there was Jesus.

Before there was judgement, then there was Jesus.

Jesus is enough —–

Love one Another

Popularity is not a measure of TRUTH

GOD IS GOD, it is people that give GOD human attributes

If you are cold, tea will warm you.
If you are heated, it will cool you.
If you are depressed, it will cheer you.
If you are excited, it will calm you.”

“A man without tea in him is incapable of understanding truth and beauty.” — Japanese Proverb

“A true warrior, like tea, shows his strength in hot water.” — Chinese Proverb

A Greeting Disclaimer you may wish to use in the future

By accepting this greeting you are accepting the terms of the greeting and all responsibility associated with it.

This greeting is subject to clarification and/or revocation at any time at the discretion of the wisher.

This greeting is non-transferable without the express written consent of the wisher.

It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or for others.

This greeting is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

Warranty is limited to replacement of this greeting or issuance of a new greeting at the sole discretion of the wisher, who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress this greeting may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.

By accepting this greeting you agree to subscribe to annual updates at a cost completely arbitrary to the wisher at the time of renewal.

Failure to subscribe – in effect, failure to renew this greeting – will result in forfeiture of the original greeting, loss of your parents’ homes, euthanasia for your and your neighbours’ pets, and prosecution in a kangaroo court of law comprised of the wisher’s closest friends and paid business associates, convened by the wisher at a location deemed most inconvenient to you.

Reading of this disclaimer constitutes your acceptance of the greeting. Oh, and I almost forgot…this disclaimer supersedes all local, provincial and federal laws previously enacted to prevent such disclaimers from superseding all local, provincial and federal laws.

Gnomic wisdom says” this is not quite right.”

Seeing the difference between behaviors that are sometimes associated with giftedness but also characteristic of ADHD is not easy, as the following parallel lists show.

(WEBB, 1993)

Gnomophobia, not to be confused with anglophobia, or the fear of englishness— is basically an acute fear of gnomes.

However, the APA (American Psychiatric Association) refuses to recognize this as a legitimate condition, despite the fact that over 78% of people diagnosed with this condition suffer from this condition.

While the results of the syndrome on your daily life are minimal, it can gnome with critical chemical gnome gnome gnome brain gnome gnome disrupt reading abilities gnome.

Treatment of Gnomophobia

If you have the syndrome, you will be taken from your family and friends (provided you have any), packaged and shipped via UPS (3rd class mail, postage paid) to remote testing facilities, anally probed, administered un-FDA approved drugs, and sent gnome. Then the doctors will come to your house and the treatment will begin. The doctors, who underwent almost 15 minutes of rigorous training, will force feed you 13.4 bottles of pink cough medicine, which will do nothing to cure you. Don’t worry about spontaneously losing your sight, penis , car keys, or mind. That barely ever happens anymore, WE THEY SWEAR.

History
This disease is said to have surfaced around 1520 CGE (Current Gnomalonian Era), several dozen years after Columbus arrived in America. It nearly wiped out the Native Americans, who were particularly susceptible due to their lack of familiarity with the iniquitous race. It was believed to have been eradicated, as there was a 200 year period of no documented cases. However, in colonial Pennsylvania, the disease began resurfacing. A renowned immunologist of the time, who went by the majestic name of Bob Clark, published a revolutionary article about the disease in the “blasphemous” scientific journal.

The gnome hotline: 1-800-U-R-GNOME

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Computers

Your computer is run by teeming squads of tiny gnomes. They beaver away at nano-sized work stations inside your PC. When you turn off your computer, they tend to collapse from utter exhaustion, desperate to grab a bit of shut-eye before you switch on again. Older gnomes can tremble at mere mention of the term booting up. And this is not just because the average gnome has hats like Imelda Marcos has shoes. What you see on your screen is in fact a highly complex configuration of gymnastic gnomes trained to Olympic standard frenetically swapping different colored hats at dizzying speeds. Casualties are not unknown. Dead pixels? Need we say more?

Mobile Phones

‘Scientists’ may try and fool you with talk of ‘waves’, but please don’t believe these distracting and frankly stupid theories. Mobile phones are built (by gnomes) to incorporate a gnome catapult. These devices are worked by gnomes in your mobile phone (which coincidentally is made up of gnomes) to fire their gnome friends upwards when you place a call. The gnomes are fired into space where they land on ‘satellites’ (also made of gnomes). The gnome satellites then catapult separate gnomes to the mobile you are trying to contact (if you are attempting to ‘connect’ with a land line the gnomes are fired at a landing station where they run and hi-five down wires to the other phone receiver). When the gnomes reach the receiver you are connecting with there is an exchange of messages, hi-fives and presents (the unwrapping is the crackle you hear). More catapulting occurs back to the satellite and then to your phone. This process continues so that what you say is ‘transmitted’ to the other phone and vice-versa (the process is VERY quick, as these gnomes travel at the speed of light-gnomes). A call ‘breaks up’ or has no ‘signal’ when the presents that are exchanged are so good the gnomes don’t bother coming back, but just sit and play. To sum up: gnomile phones.

Excerpts from the Unencyclopedia

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Electricity

Inside cables there are hundreds of tiny gnomes ‘high-fiving’ each other and running around swapping messages. This transfer of messages allows things to work, e.g. the gnomes in a plug socket tell the gnomes in the wire, who eventually tell the gnomes in (say) a kettle to fart in the water allowing it to boil.

Atoms

Atoms are in fact minuscule gnomes, all holding hands and feet etc together to form an intricate web from which nearly everything in the universe is comprised. Radioactivity occurs when a rebel gnome is catapulted by his friends from their structure. Should this gnome come into contact with the gnomes from our body, he will offer them beer, thus making the local area either benign or malignant. Either way, just read: cancerous.

Super and hyper-gnomes

So what are gnomes made up of? Surely they’re not at the bottom of life, the universe and everything? They are in fact comprised of billions of even smaller gnomes, known as super-gnomes. They, in turn, are made up of billions of even smaller gnomes known as hyper-gnomes. Hyper-gnomes are the fundamental building blocks of everything. Though no one, to be honest, can yet be absolutely sure. Least of all, gnomes themselves.

Excerpts from Unencyclopedia

TIME
It is always time for tea.

THE WRITTEN WORD
So many words have been written by now, by so many, that by adding more, it can only add to the confusion that already exists.

THE TRUTH
It might be too depressing for you to handle.

GNORMALITY (pronounced with a silent G)
How it really is.

NORMALITY
How it isn’t.

A WORLD WITHOUT JESUS
Completely unbearable.

ART
Is vanity expressed subtly enough to pass as something more, thus adding to the confusion.

GNOMES
Friends when you need them.

GNOMIC

Is this a more rational response to reality? It is a game where the rules of the game change. This allows the game to evolve into whatever the players want. Between rounds of Gnomic, the players play that unmentionable card game that I am going to mention anyway, Mao. The addition of the unmentionable card game distinguishes it from the original game of Nomic.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO PLAY GNOMIC?
Gnomic is a social event. It is a chance to meet new friends, and have some fun.