Gnomophobia

Gnomophobia, not to be confused with anglophobia, or the fear of englishness— is basically an acute fear of gnomes.

However, the APA (American Psychiatric Association) refuses to recognize this as a legitimate condition, despite the fact that over 78% of people diagnosed with this condition suffer from this condition.

While the results of the syndrome on your daily life are minimal, it can gnome with critical chemical gnome gnome gnome brain gnome gnome disrupt reading abilities gnome.

Treatment of Gnomophobia

If you have the syndrome, you will be taken from your family and friends (provided you have any), packaged and shipped via UPS (3rd class mail, postage paid) to remote testing facilities, anally probed, administered un-FDA approved drugs, and sent gnome. Then the doctors will come to your house and the treatment will begin. The doctors, who underwent almost 15 minutes of rigorous training, will force feed you 13.4 bottles of pink cough medicine, which will do nothing to cure you. Don’t worry about spontaneously losing your sight, penis , car keys, or mind. That barely ever happens anymore, WE THEY SWEAR.

History
This disease is said to have surfaced around 1520 CGE (Current Gnomalonian Era), several dozen years after Columbus arrived in America. It nearly wiped out the Native Americans, who were particularly susceptible due to their lack of familiarity with the iniquitous race. It was believed to have been eradicated, as there was a 200 year period of no documented cases. However, in colonial Pennsylvania, the disease began resurfacing. A renowned immunologist of the time, who went by the majestic name of Bob Clark, published a revolutionary article about the disease in the “blasphemous” scientific journal.

The gnome hotline: 1-800-U-R-GNOME

Things explained by Gnome Physics

Gnome Computers

Your computer is run by teeming squads of tiny gnomes. They beaver away at nano-sized work stations inside your PC. When you turn off your computer, they tend to collapse from utter exhaustion, desperate to grab a bit of shut-eye before you switch on again. Older gnomes can tremble at mere mention of the term booting up. And this is not just because the average gnome has hats like Imelda Marcos has shoes. What you see on your screen is in fact a highly complex configuration of gymnastic gnomes trained to Olympic standard frenetically swapping different colored hats at dizzying speeds. Casualties are not unknown. Dead pixels? Need we say more?

ghome_physicsMobile Gnome Phones

‘Scientists’ may try and fool you with talk of ‘waves’, but please don’t believe these distracting and frankly stupid theories. Mobile phones are built (by gnomes) to incorporate a gnome catapult. These devices are worked by gnomes in your mobile phone (which coincidentally is made up of gnomes) to fire their gnome friends upwards when you place a call. The gnomes are fired into space where they land on ‘satellites’ (also made of gnomes). The gnome satellites then catapult separate gnomes to the mobile you are trying to contact (if you are attempting to ‘connect’ with a land line the gnomes are fired at a landing station where they run and hi-five down wires to the other phone receiver). When the gnomes reach the receiver you are connecting with there is an exchange of messages, hi-fives and presents (the unwrapping is the crackle you hear). More catapulting occurs back to the satellite and then to your phone. This process continues so that what you say is ‘transmitted’ to the other phone and vice-versa (the process is VERY quick, as these gnomes travel at the speed of light-gnomes). A call ‘breaks up’ or has no ‘signal’ when the presents that are exchanged are so good the gnomes don’t bother coming back, but just sit and play. To sum up: gnomile phones.

Excerpts from the Unencyclopedia Gnome Physics

“You are never alone with a gnome

Gnome Physics

Electricity

Inside cables there are hundreds of tiny gnomes ‘high-fiving’ each other and running around swapping messages. This transfer of messages allows things to work, e.g. the gnomes in a plug socket tell the gnomes in the wire, who eventually tell the gnomes in (say) a kettle to fart in the water allowing it to boil.

Atoms

Atoms are in fact minuscule gnomes, all holding hands and feet etc together to form an intricate web from which nearly everything in the universe is comprised. Radioactivity occurs when a rebel gnome is catapulted by his friends from their structure. Should this gnome come into contact with the gnomes from our body, he will offer them beer, thus making the local area either benign or malignant. Either way, just read: cancerous.

Super and hyper-gnomes

So what are gnomes made up of? Surely they’re not at the bottom of life, the universe and everything? They are in fact comprised of billions of even smaller gnomes, known as super-gnomes. They, in turn, are made up of billions of even smaller gnomes known as hyper-gnomes. Hyper-gnomes are the fundamental building blocks of everything. Though no one, to be honest, can yet be absolutely sure. Least of all, gnomes themselves.

Excerpts from Unencyclopedia