False Memories

Most people would admit that people, including themselves, can be mistaken about a memory.
However, our egos get bruised when we are confronted with our own mistakes of memory, and we often secretly believe that our memory is better than that of others.
In day to day life, being mistaken is usually no big deal, but when it comes to the criminal justice system or some childhood trauma, it can become a vitally important subject. Just how accurate is eyewitness testimony or your memory of some perceived traumatic event especially in childhood?

One of the central functions of memory, is not to make perfect recordings of events. Instead, memory is similar to imagination, and it tends to create narratives in which we are the central actors, and in which our current beliefs, emotions, and worldviews are continually confirmed. Memory is one of the ways that our brains maintain the illusion of an unbroken narrative of the self.

Once you grasp the purpose of memory, it should make you quite humble — and very reliant on fact-checking with multiple sources before concluding your memory of something was correct !

Little Gnome Facts

Grandmother’s last wish to have gnomes lining funeral route scuppered

Over her lifetime she had collected a series of  garden gnomes from all over the country.

So when it came to her funeral, Veronica Pratt had one special request – she wanted the colourful little characters to line the route.

The family of the 82-year-old grandmother duly obliged, placing 30 of them on a roundabout past which the cortege would drive.

Killjoys: Council workers remove the gnomes grandmother Veronica Pratt had wanted to be left lining her funeral route in Pembrokeshire
Killjoys: Council workers remove the gnomes grandmother Veronica Pratt had wanted to be left lining her funeral route in Pembrokeshire

But almost inevitably, the  touching tribute fell foul to that scourge of modern life – the elf ’n’ safety police.

The gnomes were scooped up by council officials who said the little figures could be a ‘danger by distracting passing drivers’.

Gnomophobia

Gnomophobia, not to be confused with anglophobia, or the fear of englishness— is basically an acute fear of gnomes.

However, the APA (American Psychiatric Association) refuses to recognize this as a legitimate condition, despite the fact that over 78% of people diagnosed with this condition suffer from this condition.

While the results of the syndrome on your daily life are minimal, it can gnome with critical chemical gnome gnome gnome brain gnome gnome disrupt reading abilities gnome.

Treatment of Gnomophobia

If you have the syndrome, you will be taken from your family and friends (provided you have any), packaged and shipped via UPS (3rd class mail, postage paid) to remote testing facilities, anally probed, administered un-FDA approved drugs, and sent gnome. Then the doctors will come to your house and the treatment will begin. The doctors, who underwent almost 15 minutes of rigorous training, will force feed you 13.4 bottles of pink cough medicine, which will do nothing to cure you. Don’t worry about spontaneously losing your sight, penis , car keys, or mind. That barely ever happens anymore, WE THEY SWEAR.

History
This disease is said to have surfaced around 1520 CGE (Current Gnomalonian Era), several dozen years after Columbus arrived in America. It nearly wiped out the Native Americans, who were particularly susceptible due to their lack of familiarity with the iniquitous race. It was believed to have been eradicated, as there was a 200 year period of no documented cases. However, in colonial Pennsylvania, the disease began resurfacing. A renowned immunologist of the time, who went by the majestic name of Bob Clark, published a revolutionary article about the disease in the “blasphemous” scientific journal.

The gnome hotline: 1-800-U-R-GNOME

Things explained by Gnome Physics

Gnome Computers

Your computer is run by teeming squads of tiny gnomes. They beaver away at nano-sized work stations inside your PC. When you turn off your computer, they tend to collapse from utter exhaustion, desperate to grab a bit of shut-eye before you switch on again. Older gnomes can tremble at mere mention of the term booting up. And this is not just because the average gnome has hats like Imelda Marcos has shoes. What you see on your screen is in fact a highly complex configuration of gymnastic gnomes trained to Olympic standard frenetically swapping different colored hats at dizzying speeds. Casualties are not unknown. Dead pixels? Need we say more?

ghome_physicsMobile Gnome Phones

‘Scientists’ may try and fool you with talk of ‘waves’, but please don’t believe these distracting and frankly stupid theories. Mobile phones are built (by gnomes) to incorporate a gnome catapult. These devices are worked by gnomes in your mobile phone (which coincidentally is made up of gnomes) to fire their gnome friends upwards when you place a call. The gnomes are fired into space where they land on ‘satellites’ (also made of gnomes). The gnome satellites then catapult separate gnomes to the mobile you are trying to contact (if you are attempting to ‘connect’ with a land line the gnomes are fired at a landing station where they run and hi-five down wires to the other phone receiver). When the gnomes reach the receiver you are connecting with there is an exchange of messages, hi-fives and presents (the unwrapping is the crackle you hear). More catapulting occurs back to the satellite and then to your phone. This process continues so that what you say is ‘transmitted’ to the other phone and vice-versa (the process is VERY quick, as these gnomes travel at the speed of light-gnomes). A call ‘breaks up’ or has no ‘signal’ when the presents that are exchanged are so good the gnomes don’t bother coming back, but just sit and play. To sum up: gnomile phones.

Excerpts from the Unencyclopedia Gnome Physics

“You are never alone with a gnome

Gnome Physics

Electricity

Inside cables there are hundreds of tiny gnomes ‘high-fiving’ each other and running around swapping messages. This transfer of messages allows things to work, e.g. the gnomes in a plug socket tell the gnomes in the wire, who eventually tell the gnomes in (say) a kettle to fart in the water allowing it to boil.

Atoms

Atoms are in fact minuscule gnomes, all holding hands and feet etc together to form an intricate web from which nearly everything in the universe is comprised. Radioactivity occurs when a rebel gnome is catapulted by his friends from their structure. Should this gnome come into contact with the gnomes from our body, he will offer them beer, thus making the local area either benign or malignant. Either way, just read: cancerous.

Super and hyper-gnomes

So what are gnomes made up of? Surely they’re not at the bottom of life, the universe and everything? They are in fact comprised of billions of even smaller gnomes, known as super-gnomes. They, in turn, are made up of billions of even smaller gnomes known as hyper-gnomes. Hyper-gnomes are the fundamental building blocks of everything. Though no one, to be honest, can yet be absolutely sure. Least of all, gnomes themselves.

Excerpts from Unencyclopedia

Gnome Limericks

There was a young lady from Guelph
Who fell in love with an elf
When they finally arrived home
She found twas a gnome
That shortsighted lady from Guelph.

 

short_sightedThe moral of the story is:

Sometimes you get a better deal than expected.

Gnomes Rule

There once was a wench from St. Rose,
Who hated the wart on her nose.
“I think you will find,
That true love is blind.”
Said her date, a gnome with three toes.

Gnomenclature

prisongnome

  • Gnome woman, gnome cry
  • Gnome man’s land
  • Gnome on the range
  • Gnoman Empire
  • Miss Gnomer
  • Gnome Chomsky
  • Gnomer Simpson
  • Wait ’til your father gets gnome
  • Sherlock Gnomes
  • Make gnome mistake
  • Gnome man is an island
  • Gnomenclature
  • Gnome place like home
  • Gnoman conquest
  • Pheregnome
  • Gnoming me, gnoming you
  • Gnomination
  • Gnomic
  • Gnome mercy
  • Gnome means yes
  • that’s Gnormality

gnomic

The text is written by me in an attempt to mim...
Image via Wikipedia

Gnomic is from the Greek gnomikos, from gnome, intelligence.

In English a gnome is (besides “an imaginary dwarfish being supposed to inhabit the inner parts of the earth, and to be the guardian of mines, quarries, etc.”) an expressed example of intelligence: a maxim. (A succinct formulation of a fundamental principle, general truth, or rule of conduct.)

Did you know?
A “gnome” is an aphorism-that is, an observation or sentiment reduced to the form of a saying. Gnomes are sometimes couched in metaphorical or figurative language, and they are always concise. We borrowed the word “gnome” in the 16th century from the Greeks, who based their “gnome” on the verb “gignoskein,” meaning “to know.” (That other “gnome”-the dwarf of fairy tales-comes from New Latin and is unrelated to today’s
word.) We began using “gnomic,” the adjective form of “gnome,” in the early 19th century. It describes a style of writing (or sometimes speech) characterized by pithy phrases, which are often terse to the point of mysteriousness.

What is Gnomic

Card game, 1895
Image via Wikipedia

Gnomic is a self-modifying game. It is a combination of Peter Suber’s Nomic and that unmentionable card game that I am going to mention anyway, Mao.
There is only one major difference between Gnomic and Nomic. In Nomic the players take turns playing rounds; however in Gnomic all the players play [insert name of that unmentionable game here] and the winner gets to play a round of Gnomic.

I still don’t know what Gnomic is
Gnomic is a game where the rules of the game change. This allows the game to evolve into whatever the players want. The game initially begins with a set of rules which, for the most part, define how the rules can be changed. Then players play rounds of [that game] and the winner gets to play a round of Gnomic. Basically a round of Gnomic consists of proposing a rule, and having people vote on it. Every time a new rule is introduced, the game changes a bit. There is no limit to what the game can change into.
Between rounds of Gnomic, the players play [that game]. It is a card game. It is somewhat like crazy eights, but it is self-modifying as well. It is difficult to explain the rules of the game. The best way to understand it is to play a few rounds of it. It is quite easy to learn.

Why would I want to play Gnomic
Gnomic is lots of fun. It takes imagination to come up with rules to make the game interesting, and it takes wits to find loopholes in the rules that will have unexpected results. You may want to exploit other people’s rules for your own benefit, or make rules that subtly give you an advantage.
Gnomic is also a social event. It is a chance to meet new friends, and have some fun.

Why can’t you mention the word Mao
It is usually against the rules to mention the name of the game.

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increased worldwide activity of the NNN (No Nomes NoHow)

cuban gnome
Image by late night movie via Flickr

Be warned of the increased worldwide activity of the NNN (No Nomes NoHow)
NNN Roll of Shame The following organisations and groups lent their support to the NNN during a recent anti-gnome campaign in the UK:

AAGS – Anarchists Against Gnomes – predictable!
BAGS – Bankers Against Gnomes – even more predictable!
CAGS – Cuba Against Gnomes – any excuse to leave the country
COAGS – Composters Against Gnomes – very surprising!
DAGS – Divers Against Gnomes – why?
EAGS – Evangelicals Against Gnomes – shame on you brothers!
FAGS – Fathers Against Gnomes – should know better!
GAGS – Gardeners Against Gnomes – these guys are militant !
HAGS – Horticulturists Against Gnomes – these too!
IAGS – Intellectuals Against Gnomes – bunch of philosophers!
J-JAGS – Japanese Jesuits Against Gnomes – a whole coach load!
LAGS – Lesbians Against Gnomes – sisters, sisters!
MAGS – Mothers Against Gnomes – not cute enough for you?
MNBD – Millennium No Big Deal – they cycled from Amsterdam!
NAGS – Neurosurgeons Against Gnomes – a shameful outlet
OLAGS – Old Lags Against Gnomes – they are against everything!
PAGS – Pensioners Against Gnomes – something to gripe about!
QUAGS – Quorns Against Gnomes – very suspicious agenda!
RAGS – Rotundians Against Gnomes – real heavy man!
SAGS – Surgeons Against Gnomes – provided first aid tent.
TAGS – Teachers Against Gnomes – enough said!
UWAGS – University of Watchester Against Gnomes.
UWAT FM – Great Sounds from those guys.
VAGS – Vegetarians Against Gnomes – lovely stews.
WAGS – Weeders Against Gnomes – here’s to short tap roots!
YAGS – Yachtsmen Against Gnomes – Jeremy, Nigel and the boys!
Y2KYAWN – those Good Ol’ Glasgow Boys
ZAGS – Zoologists Against Gnomes – stick to evolution!

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Harry Potter novel is a threat to GLA clandestine operations

The latest release in the ‘Harry Potter’ series of books has shocked GLA

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - JULY 21:  Harry Potter fan...
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commanders after it was found to feature a certain ‘Garden Elf Liberation Front’. GLA leaders fear that strategic details about GLA operations may have been exposed in the book which is intended for children. There is a very definite link between the fictional GELF and the GLA. Information in the book ties in very closely with current GLA operations.

GLA spokesperson ‘Mr. Walsh’ commented: “An investigation has been launched into how such crucial information reached the hands of J.K. Rowling.

JK Rowling, after receiving an honorary degree...
Image via Wikipedia

We cannot keep up a covert underground militia status if children are allowed to read classified data about the liberation of gnomes. Members could be revealed, certain upcoming missions have had to be aborted after the findings. This is being treated as a major security issue”.

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